The Thoughtful Girl's Guide to Fashion Communication and Friendship

20 Relationship Books That Will Help You Be a Better Partner and Friend

Images courtesy of publishers

I don't know about you but I spent a lot of my life assuming that relationships were something you only learned about through experience and a whole lot of trial and error. They didn't seem like anything you could study up on. Turns out, I was totally wrong. The ability to be a good partner and friend isn't something you were born with—it's a learned skill, and one we could all stand to brush up on from time to time. After all, so many factors impact how we function in relationships, from past baggage to personal communication styles, and the more you understand, the better equipped you are to truly connect with and show up for others.

There are many different ways to dive into your ~relational education~. Relationship books are one avenue, including books written by relationship experts like couples therapists, counselors, and psychologists. Below, find some relationship books that people (including myself) have just found really helpful for learning more about ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we can improve as partners and friends.

All products featured on SELF are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

• Attached by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel Heller, M.A.

  Attachment theory basically posits that we all have a distinct attachment style that impacts how we behave in relationships: anxious attachment, where you have a difficult time feeling secure in a relationship and your partner's feelings for you; avoidant attachment, where you often push people away to protect yourself and your independence; and secure attachment, where you feel comfortable with intimacy and have an easy time connecting with others. Attached can help you determine your attachment style—and consequently where your relationship struggles might come from—and shares tips on how to deal.

• All About Love by bell hooks

  I'm not saying bell hooks's insights about love might change your life, but I'm also not not saying that. She writes, "The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun...yet we would all love better if we used it as a verb," underscoring her main argument that society fails to provide us a model for learning to love. She pushes back against the societal emphasis on romantic and sexual love and instead challenges readers to heal from cynicism and embrace love as an act of caring, compassion, and strength that can improve all sectors of our lives.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D.

  If you haven't heard of him, psychologist John Gottman is one of the foremost experts in marriage. He's written or cowritten over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books and, together with his wife, Julie Gottman, co-designed the national clinical training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, an approach studied by many couples therapists. Which is all to say that he's kind of a big deal and his work is worth reading. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is perhaps one of his best-known books and something of a culmination of his research. Despite the title, many readers find it to be a helpful blueprint for all kinds of committed relationships, not just marriage.

• Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura, M.D.

  The full title of this book is Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself, which is kind of a mouthful but pretty much sums up why it's so helpful. After all, when you don't feel empowered to speak freely in your relationships, it's difficult to make authentic connections. Not Nice has actionable tips for leaving behind people-pleasing tendencies and insecurities.

• Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward by Gemma Hartley

  You might be familiar with the author's viral article "Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up," which dives into the concept of invisible, emotional labor. This book delves further into the concept, as well as offers guidance on how to navigate uneven balances of emotional labor in relationships—which may in turn help you better communicate relationship challenges.

• Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman

  From the hosts of the hit podcast Call Your Girlfriend, Big Friendship explores all the ways friendships are formed, challenged, and maintained—and calls on readers to put the time and energy into preserving the bonds of friendship the same way we would, say, a committed romantic partner. It's not a how-to book by any means, but through the authors' own experiences, as well as interviews with friends and experts, there's a lot to learn.

• Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

  This collection of The Rumpus's Dear Sugar advice column by Strayed might not be your typical relationship book, but Strayed's insights into readers' problems are rife with life lessons that will make you want to do better across the board, including in your relationships.

• The Enneagram in Love by Stephanie Barron Hall

  Any other Enneagram fans in the house? As a personality quiz enthusiast, I always like using personality archetypes like Enneagram and Myers-Briggs (Type 4 and INFJ, here!) as blueprints for self-improvement. If you connect with your Enneagram type, The Enneagram in Love might just feel like relationship advice tailored specifically to you.

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D.

  Many people don't begin to realize the impact their upbringing had on them until far later in life, and even then it can be a slow and muddy journey. So many people I know—myself included!—found this book low-key life-changing for how it articulated common manifestations of lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment (just read this passage from a recent viral-ish tweet). At its heart, this book is about understanding your unhealthy and damaging childhood relationships in order to better create positive new relationships now.

• How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo

  An oldie but goodie, How to Be an Adult in Relationships uses mindfulness as a lens through which to approach relationships. Richo's vision of "mindful loving" is all about how to be a better, more loving partner through five core concepts: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.

• Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown

  You might know Brown from her viral TED Talk, "The Power of Vulnerability." If you do, you know that her wisdom around vulnerability goes hand-in-hand with authentic relationships. Daring Greatly is about all that and more, and I recommend it to anyone whose fear of getting hurt, facing rejection, or looking less-than-perfect has stood in the way of forming meaningful bonds.

• How to Fall in Love With Anyone by Mandy Len Catron

  Remember that popular New York Times essay, "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This"? You know, the one that explored that study where participants answered a series of 36 intimate personal questions while maintaining eye contact. Well, the author of that essay used it as a jumping-off point for this memoir, wherein she explores love and intimacy through a mix of science and personal experience. It may be mostly cultural criticism but any romantic (or cynic) will walk away with a few lessons learned.

• Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Solomon Ph.D.

  Unlike many relationship self-help books out there, Loving Bravely focuses almost entirely on you: your personal history, your relational patterns, your strengths and weaknesses, and everything else that contributes to how you function in a relationship. It guides you through the necessary internal work needed to become more self-aware—which not only helps you be a better partner to others but also a more compassionate advocate for yourself.

• Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown

  Although it's so much more than simply a book about connection and relationships, Pleasure Activism is required reading for anyone who wants to make a difference in the lives of others. Through her insights on making social justice sustainable through pleasure, Brown also teaches readers how to follow the fundamental advice of Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. This beautiful book might just leave you feeling better equipped to nourish all your connections, no matter what type of relationship it is.

• Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer

  Say What You Mean is just as much about how to listen as it is about how to communicate. Sofer uses mindfulness and principles from nonviolent communication to teach readers how to develop healthy and satisfying communication styles—a necessary skill for any relationship.

• How to Be a Person in the World by Heather Havrilesky

  If you're a fan of The Cut's Dear Polly, you already know that Havrilesky has a knack for helping others traverse the messy territory of human relationships. How to Be a Person in the World is a collection of all-new Q&As not found online (although there are a few of the column's greatest hits in there).

• Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships by Stella Harris

  Whether you're having sex within a committed partnership or not, communication is key. Sex educator and coach Harris offers straightforward advice for asking for what you want (and figuring it out if you don't know), as well as tips for navigating shame, insecurity, and awkwardness. Because, hey, even if you want to be a sex-positive communicator, it's not always the easiest thing in the world.

• The Art of Showing Up by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

  Adult friendships come with all sorts of tricky challenges, from creating boundaries to asking for what we need, and this guide has relatable advice for it all. Broken up into two parts—showing up for yourself and showing up for others—The Art of Showing Up reminds us that unless we're taking care of ourselves, we can't be very good at taking care of our loved ones.

• How to Be Single and Happy by Jenny Taitz, Psy.D.

  Just as important as any relationship is how we practice self-compassion and self-love when we're single (and don't want to be). Drawing on her expertise as a clinical psychologist, Taitz mixes practical dating and relationship tips with a ton of myth-busting and compassion. If you've ever beat yourself up for being single, How to Be Single and Happy is like your savviest friend who talks you out of your spiral.

• Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson

  It's not easy to foster deep, supportive friendships that last, especially not in an increasingly lonely and disconnected society that's wearing down a lot of us. Nelson shares advice on how to make it happen, rooted in the belief that friendships require dedication, commitment, and a whole lot of vulnerability.

Anna Borges is a writer and a former senior health editor at SELF. She's the author of the book The More or Less Definitive Guide to Self-Care and can be found writing around the internet about mental, emotional, and sexual health. (Most importantly, she's also a Virgo sun, Aquarius moon,... Read more

SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.

The Thoughtful Girl's Guide to Fashion Communication and Friendship

Source: https://www.self.com/gallery/relationship-books

Share this post